Today I had to buy a couple of birthday cards for some kids I know, and I was having a hard time finding kid cards in my neighborhood. I went to the local independent bookstore, which has some pretty nice cards, but none really for kids. I went to Chain Pharmacy #1, and the cards were lame. Then I turned my gave towards a place I never go: the Hallmark store.

Now, I was less than excited about the Hallmark store. I knew it would be a xmas fucking wonderland in there. I could see the crappy Santa dolls in the window which was surely a bad sign. I thought I could just go in and jet toward the birthday cards, grab the first passable ones I saw, and bolt. But I still worried that my greatest fear would come true: that they would be playing “Holly Jolly Christmas” on the PA.

H.J.C. is the song I most hate in the world. There’s nothing creepier than Burl Ives except stop-action animated Burl Ives, but the very worst thing of all is stop-action animated Burl Ives singing H.J.C. This song causes me so much psychic pain with its stomach-turning saccharine bullshit that all I can think is I must spread the pain outward and harm someone or something immediately.

So, I took a breath and walked nonchalantly to the interior of Hallmarks. But just as I passed through the doors and spotted the birthday cards section, what song started playing? You guessed it — none other than H.J.C.

Oh, the horror! A few weeks ago I tweeted that if I entered a store that was playing H.J.C., that I would burn that store down. I am a person of my word, so… well, come on! Sometime fantasy and reality are forced to diverge. Hallmarks, with all its cheap crap from China, still stands.

My fucking god! How can this be! It’s almost as if I *made* it the song play. And if that were the case, then I should’ve gone into the liquor store and wished very hard that I wouldn’t buy a winning lottery ticket. But of course, these mysterious magical powers only exist for things that aren’t worth a crap.

Apparently, I am not alone in my hatred of Burl Ives.


Frank Kills Himself (Damn You Burl Ives, Damn you to Hell)

Jesus & The Robot

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